Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Jan 11 ~

Hi, Mom.  I'm having a hard time today.  : /  Sometimes I can be doing so well, I'm able to blog or tweet stuff or interact with readers on Facebook and sometimes I can go out.  But then the wind will change, and it's like yesterday morning at the grocery store.  I was putting things in my cart, buying stuff for dinner.  I started walking slower and slower, just like I did that night we left the hospital.  By the time I got to the cash register, I was having to bite the insides of my cheeks to keep myself from crying.

Just like when I was a kid.  Yeah, I still do that.  Bet you didn't know.  Or maybe you know everything now... things I wish I knew...  Like what the rings of Jupiter really look like.  What it's like to pass through the Gates.  If the archangel Michael really has a badass sword.  If my theory about black holes is true or not.  I hope it is.  I actually bet that shit is true.

People act so strange around death.  Some people have avoided me because it seems like they're afraid it will rub off on them, and they don't want anyone in their life to die.  Other people are awkward but they say the usual things, so sorry for your loss; my condolences...  Other people avoid me because they've got a family relationship that's bad but they're choosing not to fix it, and I'm the stark reality that they probably should fix it, because once someone's gone, they're gone, and it can happen on a dime...

I mean, I know we'll see each other again.  But it's just that I can't go to your apartment, open the sliding door, and find you sitting on the couch, anymore.  And I really want to do that.

I tried really hard to understand you, and I think I really did put a lot of the pieces together.  You always worried about me, because you said I wasn't street smart or world smart.  I wonder if now you see the kind of smarts I have.

You worried about me being alone too much.  But I always was a loner, ma.  Some people are just like that.  You were a social butterfly, so we didn't speak a common language.  :'(

I tried to explain that some people need more...  because you could't understand my convictions and life decisions.  I just have a wind blowing inside me...  I see the world through a different lens...  And you say silly and volatile like they're bad things...   I know you wanted me to live in the suburbs and not be a writer.  But I can't, and I am.  I know you wanted me to be married.  And maybe, hopefully, someday I will be again.  But everyone deserves to be evenly yoked.

I have a lot to be excited about, ma.  I always did throw myself into my career when my light got dark.  I got a book contract, I have a radio show coming up, my current books have been selling well, I've got a new one in the works and I'm shooting a cooking video at the end of this month.

In the wee hours, I got up and pulled out some books I want to re-read, I found some old notes for the book I'm working on now, and I got all determined to go on a vacation this winter.  I fell back to sleep thinking about a warm beach and warm sun and how this year I'm going to make it happen.

But I can't get out of bed today, ma.  :'(   And I really wish I could.  It doesn't look like January, it's mild and sunny, and the beach looks so pretty.  I'm so happy you got to see the beach before you left!!!  I promise I'll go at some point today, for you.  I'll smoke a clove and do a shot and it'll be for you, ma!!  But for now,  I've got my blue corn chips and my hummus and my water from Lori's.  I know you hated that food, but I swear if you were here, I'd make you the biggest cheeseburger.

< / 3  #ParaGoddess


Anonymous said...

Omg Jo, I'm so sorry

cocosparkle said...


Eliseo Mauas Pinto said...

"Our loved ones who left, are still alive and we are always together with them. We are united by the love we have beyond the physical partitions. As I make contact with my inner Christ in the silence of my room, also those who have lost a loved one can connect and talk, with the certainty that the connection still exists. We do not retain, let them free and know that they went from grade to more awareness. "
"When my voice shall silence with death, my heart will keep on speaking to you."
We exceed flesh, we are eternal light...
Peace and light kind Jo